1 Day to Go

Yesterday was my last day at work. I took today off today to get ready for our trip to the hospital and to just relax before becoming a mom! It is a little strange knowing when Lincoln will come, but it makes things easier to prepare for, for us and the doctors.

Today I am spending most of my time packing a bigger bag for our stay at Barnes (I had already packed a small “go bag” in case Linc decided to come early). I am packing a few changes of clothes, since I don’t know if Dan and I will want to leave the hospital when I am discharged or just stay with Linc. That way we won’t feel like we have to run home for clothes, anyway. I am also sanitizing my breast pump pieces so that I can take that with me. I will use the hospital’s pumps while I am there, but I want to be sure I know how to properly use my own before I leave. Providing breast milk for Linc is so important to me. It’s one of the few ways I can care for him in the first few weeks, even though he will not be able to eat for a while. (He will be nourished through his IV.)

I am also trying to relax and rest today. I am not sure how much sleep I will get tonight, thinking of tomorrow’s events. I have been overwhelmed with feelings of becoming a mother for the first time. I already have so much love for Lincoln and I can’t wait to see him. To see how much he has grown, how much hair he has and what color his eyes are. All of the normal anticipations a new mother has. At the same time, a part of me would like to stay pregnant forever, because I know he is safe inside me, where he has everything he needs.

It is hard to believe that the months have flown by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that we went to St. John’s to have our first ultrasound. We were so excited to find out if we were having a little boy or girl. From then on, my pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions and filled with doctors appointments. I am so grateful to all of the doctors who have had a hand in getting us to where we are; in the hands of the skilled doctors at Barnes and Children’s. I have great confidence in all of them to do everything they can for Lincoln.

Even though my pregnancy hasn’t been what I originally envisioned (a drug-free water birth...), I have nothing to compare it to, and I think that has made things a little easier to deal with. I have gone back and forth with myself over the past few months on what to prepare ahead of time exactly. Lincoln’s nursery is still not ready. The replacement crib pieces have not yet arrived, so his bed is still in pieces around the nursery. All of his clothes are still unwashed with tags, hanging in his closet. I still have a good feeling about tomorrow’s outcome, but there is a small part of me that still knows the reality of the situation is Lincoln may never need those items. At the very least, he won't need them for several weeks.

People say things happen for a reason. I am still searching for the reason our lives have been touched by CDH, and I am sure that tomorrow will add to my soul searching. Perhaps it is to bring my family closer together, or to open our eyes to what is really important in life. I know it has definitely changed the way I see life, already. The love of the friends and family surrounding you is what life is about. I don’t know how I would have gotten through this pregnancy without my family and especially Dan. He has been so strong and the only person who knows how I am feeling, because he is going through it too. Tomorrow Dan and I will be parents, and our lives will never be the same.

One more day to go. We are scheduled to be at the hospital at 6am tomorrow to start my induction. Lincoln will be here soon!!